Doing my best to not talk shit about the south

Never in my life did I think I would spend any time in Asheville, North Carolina. Nor did I believe an afternoon of my existence would be spent lallygagging in Chattanooga, Tennessee. But I proved myself wrong. Twice. I also firmly believed that I would never actually use the word lallygagging in written or verbal communication. But again, I have proven myself inexact.

On a road trip from DC to Atlanta with my friend Keri, both of these unlikely events took place. It is tough to write amazing reviews about these places, but the fact of the matter is, I have to, as I am writing this under the stringent guidelines of Keri (a southerner), who articulately remarked: "Don't talk shit about the south".

The reason it is tough to write an amazing review of Asheville, NC or Chattanooga, TN is not because they aren't cool places, but rather I didn't spend enough time there to properly absorb all that there is to do.

Here is my honest review of ASHEVILLE, NC: The visitor's center is nice and offers free internet. The lady at the hotel had a really thick accent. Tuesday night is not hopping in town. Their main square has a statue of two bronzed pigs. They are surprisingly comfortable to straddle. The Biltmore Estate, the largest home in the U.S., is in Asheville (175,000 square feet). Asheville is reportedly the Berkeley, CA of the South. Or the Burlington, VT of the South. Which is a round about way of saying people smoke a lot pot there. The hotel breakfast restaurant was showing "Montel" on the big screen tv. What was scary was that all the patrons were glued to the tube like a 15 year old boy's maiden viewing of VHS porn. Overall Grade: I love Asheville.

Review of CHATTANOOGA, TN: Did you know Chattanooga was NOT on the Chattahoochee river?? Furthermore, do you know what a Hoochie Coochie is? and if so, how hot one is? Chattanooga is really quite a cool city. They have a dope river front park, a brand new Aquarium, a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. They also are home to the Chattanooga Lookouts, a minor league baseball team. (I only know this because I used to have one of their goofy looking team hats when I was going through puberty. (an awkward period all around).

Overall Grade: B++

In actuality, both of these places (like most places and things in the south) were very cool, and I wish I had more time to check them out. Especially the Montel Williams show on "Extreme Baby Making".