The Bean Report

In the little town of Freeport, Maine, you will find a bumbleclot** of retail stores and relatively low-strung shoppers (most people are on vacation). However, amidst the Fruit Republics, Gaps in the Patagonian Northfaces, and the browsers in the "Mangy Moose" lies a behemoth of a store, that quite frankly, is the bomb.

I am talking about L.L. Bean.

I hate shopping with the passion and fervor of an adolescent bull with a slip knot tied around its nuts, but for some reason, I get kind of excited to visit the L.L. Bean Store.

Maybe it's because they have a giant and entirely useless boot outside its main entrance, maybe it is the fully stocked trout pond in the middle of the store, or perhaps its the massively friendly and helpful staff who really ARE happy to be working. More than likely, it's because they have great stuff and a generous return policy.

L.L. Bean's builds customers for life, and are the epitome of high quality (In fact, if you bought a backpack in 1985 and the zipper malfunctions, they will replace the zipper or the entire bag for free. Some people take advantage of this for sure, but they suck and should be stepped on by someone wearing a boot comparable in size to the one outside the front door. eg. Paul Bunion or a Wild Thing).

L.L. Bean is active in the community. They hold concerts (with music mostly for old people), they bring in rock climbing walls to the store, offer fly fishing lessons, kayaking trips, gun safety classes, etc.

They're basically that really athletic, fun and charismatic person in high school who gets the smartest, hottest, moderately chested girl and they settle down together and have 3 amazingly beautiful children who are often candidly photographed in meadows wearing adorable outfits and not only that, but they are very financially comfortable and never talk about their money. and you know what, they deserve it.

It is truly a model retail store. Now, if only bars and pubs had such useful return policies..

**Doesn't actually work in this sentence since bumbleclot is Jamaican for fuck; damn, mothafucka........... (Urban Dictionary, 2005) Used in a sentence: 'damn dat boy ....... he played me , Bumbleclot!!'