I thought Wisconsin would be a lot cheesier... (don't worry, I took the liberty of beating myself up)

My 45 year-old women's car that doesn't get very good gas mileage, lacks an appropriate number of hubcaps and breaks down with predictable regularity. In Chicago

I thought the Badlands would look a lot... Badder.

The M, C and A are just to the right of the picture.

The sign on the lefthand side say's "Beware of Rattlesnakes."

THEY SHOULD BE AWARE OF US.

If I were rich, I'd buy a granite mountain range (probably in New Hampshire b/c it's the granite state), and carve my face, Keith's face, Zack Morris' face and Pinocchio's face on the wall. (and then charge an $8 parking fee, $10 entrance fee, and put "no parking/stopping/leaving at anytime" signs all along the roadway

Cold Sweats. Feverish Cold. Boiling River.

Bozeman, Montana to Yellowstone National Park to Jackson Hole, Wyoming: (This was to be our shortest day of the entire trip (3 hours), but somehow we managed to stay in the car for 7 hours..)

We left my uncle's house in Bozeman at about 9AM hoping to get a jump on the day, however, Keith, who had lost two cell phone chargers in the last 72 hours, had to stop by a Verizon Wireless store to buy another charger. The Verizon store happened to be located next to a cowboy/western clothing store, and so we were further delayed from hitting the road because Keith had been talking all week about how he wanted to buy one or all of the following items on his trip cross country: 1) Cowboy Boots (but cool, non-flamboyant ones..) 2) a leather jacket (but a cool, not flamboyant one..) 3) and assless chaps (flamboyant ones).

Keith left the store with a pair of grey Carharts.

We finally left Bozeman, and drove 45 minutes to the entrance of the Yellowstone National Park. (I, the entire time, wishing that Keith had purchased the knee high cowboy boots with the Indian nativity scene on them.. for personal amusement of course.) After trying to elude the $25 admission fee by saying we already paid for a national park entrance ticket at the Badlands, we paid our $25 and continued on our way.

Our first stop was the Boiling River, which was river of thermal hot water that converged with freezing cold water, producing a torture bath. I had been to this river about 11 years ago, and remember it being a lot bigger and more fun than it was this time around.

For illustrative purposes, and to better describe the Boiling River, imagine you gather 10 of your closest friends, and give five of them buckets of cold water and 5 of them buckets of boiling water, and then have them dump the buckets on you all at once.

Not at any point was I comfortable in the springs. If I wasn't screeching in agony from boiling water gushing over my back, I was screaming like a little girl because a jetstream of freezing cold water just engulfed the entire lower portion of my body. It was like someone punching me in the stomach, and then when I bent over to clench my stomach, they smacked me in the face. And this continued for the better part of 15 minutes.

Keith didn't go in the boiling river because he had a claw on his hand wrapping his surgically repaired ring finger. wimp.

Next Post: The rest of Yellowstone National Park to Jackson Hole, Wyoming

ps. A $25 National Park Fee is reasonable to pay. What is NOT reasonable to pay is $25 just to drive the length of the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Or $15 to drive through Ohio. As soon as we hit Wisconsin, we didn't pay a single toll until the Bay Bridge in San Francisco. This covers approximately 2/3 of the U.S. From Maine until we got through Chicago (1/3 of the U.S.), I paid over $60 in tolls, and the roads were worse.

pps. Best roads in the country: Nevada.

A famous American writer getting freaky deaky with a State..

Wall Drug, South Dakota to Bozeman, Montana-

Soon after departing the Wall Drug Megacrap Store in South Dakota, we crossed over into Wyoming, and then Montana. This border crossing is probably comparable to the cross over from a flat chested girlfriend to a well-boobed girlfriend (with trees and rivers on her chest of course).

Montana is amazing. John Steinbeck said that of all the U.S. States, Montana was his favorite, admitting that he "had a love affair with Montana." While Keith and I didn't get as kinky as J. Steinbeck did with the state of Montana, we had a nice 7 hour drive through the rolling hills that eventually gave way to towering Mountain Ranges.

Now might be a good time to note that we WERE in fact listening to a book on TAPE of John Steinbeck. Meaning, my car lacked any discernable CD player, and we were driving cross country with only the accompaniment of a tape deck and FM radio. This was fine with me, as FM radio is my favorite form of Music (ie: the only form of music available to me because I don't own 1) a CD player. 2) CD's. 3) an Ipod. 4) a Computer anymore.. thanks to the asshole who smashed my window and stole my compaq inspiron. 5) a diskman. Basically, if it involves music. I don't own it.

Therefore, to pass time, Keith and I started playing games, practicing spanish or generally being immature. Probably the most productive thing we did during our long drive west was memorize the alphabet backwards, so in the unlikely event that we get pulled over by the police and are suspected of driving under the influence (This did NOT happen to Keith in Portland, Maine in May of 2003..), we will be able to whip off the reverse alphabet in no time, and leave the cop in a state of bewilderment at how fast we got to F, and how the final sequence of FEDCBA was pure speedy perfection.

We ended this day in Bozeman, Montana, which quickly became our favorite stop off point of the entire trip. We stayed at the house of another Aunt and Uncle pairing of mine, which was a pleasant upgrade from the Super 8 Motel's sandpaper sheets. That evening, Keith and I went to a local watering hole for some beers and food. The food was amazing, and more surprisingly, the bar was absolutely packed with people in their 20's, some of whom could even be classified as hot girls. Exhausted from the day, we ate our food, stared at the "hot" girls and then went back to my Uncles house and enjoyed a few more beers with Steve (my Uncle), while trying no pass out in mid-sentence.

Next Post: Bozeman to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

And the superlative for flattest and fattest goes to... the Midwest

We spent a Monday night in Chicago at Keith's friend's place. This night happened to coincide with a ridiculous Monday Night Football Game involving the Chicago Bears. The Bears (undeservingly) won and the city went into a synchronized seizure after the game. I think I even saw a grandmother running down the streets topless... not sure. it may have been Mike Ditka.

Keith and I pushed off early on Tuesday morning for what was to be our longest day of the trip. We winded our way through Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota and South Dakota, all of which were flat, boring and decidedly not bumpy. Keith and I nearly went insane while driving in South Dakota, and ended up in Murdo, SD at a Super 8 motel for the evening.. In no way was that depressing..

We woke up to two inches of snow and ice on the road, but we mustered forward anyway, knowing that the Badlands and Mount Rushmore were ahead of us.

If I had two recommendations in life, they would be: 1) go to the badlands. (or at least look at the pictures of someone who has been to the Badlands) and 2) Don't go to Mount Rushmore.

A timeline of our trip to Mount Rushmore:
10:30AM: Keith-"is it worth it to get off the highway and drive 30 minutes to see the face of 4 dead presidents on a granite wall??" Stu- "Probably not"
10:31AM: we get off the highway.
11:00AM: arrive to the front gates of Rushmore. (ps. we can see the faces from the entrance) 11:00:15AM: Pull in and see a $8 parking fee and assume that there is another entrance fee for each individual.
11:00:20AM: Stu looks at No U-TURN sign, looks at keith, they nod at each other and stu pulls a U-TURN
11:00:25AM: Stu looks at a DO NOT ENTER sign and enters
11:00:30AM: Stu sees a red light and NO LEFT TURN sign and runs turns left running the red light.
11:0040AM: Stu sees a NO STOPPING AT ANYTIME sign on the side of the road and stops the car so he and Keith can quickly take pictures.

In the matter of 1 minute, I violated 5 traffic laws. And in no way do I regret it. It was the best decision of my life. Mount Rushmore is not worth $18 American dollars (this assumes an individual park entrance fee of $10.. not sure if there was one).

The badlands were badass. Probably the most uninviting geographical landscape you could ever imagine. (not unsimilar to the asteroid in Armageddon- that underappreciated movie where Bruce Willis saves the day and then Ben Affleck makes out with Bruce Willis' daughter (Steven Tyler's daughter in real life) right after Bruce dies).

At this point in the trip, Keith and I were listening to John Steinbeck's book on tape "Travel's With Charlie" about a road trip cross country with his dog. Steinbeck described it best, saying: "I felt as though I shouldn't even be writing about the Badlands. They were a place I would rather be at night, instead of day."

Keith and I took several pictures next to the "Beware of Rattlesnakes" signs and continued on our way.

Side note: we were roped into the most effective advertising campaign in modern history: WALL DRUG.

This stupid outpost of a store advertised via billboards for the entire length of South Dakota. However, they never actually said what Wall Drug was. Instead, they would have a sign saying "$0.05 coffee.. WALL DRUG" or show a cowboy next to "WALL DRUG" or show a blond cowgirl straddling "WALL DRUG". It was remarkable. And yes, we definitely stopped and bought two wall drug hats. I also bought some Old Spice High Endurance Deodorant and gum.

Next post: Wall drug to Bozeman, Montana

The U.S. is surprisingly time consuming to drive across

I haven't posted a blog in a while, and this is very upsetting to me. Partially because it demonstrates that my work ethic has deteriorated, but mostly because it drives home the fact that I am no longer traveling and normal day to day activities do not provide funny story fodder.

But! Some things have changed in the last month. For instance, I now use an electric tooth brush. My teeth feel dentist clean two times a day, without the awkward small chat or the dentist's chronic halitosis.. (ps. shouldn't dentists have impeccably smelling breath?). I have also moved to San Francisco, CA. And the event that preludes any large scale relocation is best described as a ROAD TRIP!!!

(I will hold off on talking about the person who smashed my car window and stole my computer within 15 hours of arriving to San Francisco until a later post.)

My Coast to Coast drive started in Maine and included stops at any and every possible family members or friends place so not to have to pay money for lodging/food/survival. I strapped on my rooftop carrier and overloaded my underperforming '98 VW Passat Wagon (which I had just pumped $1,200 into so it would pass inspection.. a very unarousing turn of events for this guy).

My first stop was Cambridge, Mass, where I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle. This was not a novel stop off point, as I had freeloaded at their place for a better part of the last 2 months. I am forever grateful to them and I owe them no less than 14 boxes of Crunchy Raisin Bran Cereal. From there I pushed on to Philadelphia, PA for my friends wedding, but not before coordinating a lovely lunch with another Aunt of mine in Palisades, New York along the way. I showed up to the country club looking like the Blue Jean wearing vagabond I was/am, and was urged to put on some Khaki pants or else our lunch would have to take place elsewhere. Lucky for me, everything I own was in my car, so I threw on a pair of tan Khakis that had become surprisingly strapping since the last time I wore them several years ago.

Lunch was great, and after saying goodbye to Joan, I pushed on to Philadelphia and checked into the hotel for the wedding reception. The next 72 hours of my life were a discernable haze, but I can vouch for the fact that my friends DID get married.

Highlights include: Asking one of the bride's uncles if he was her Grandfather.. (that didn't go over well). A round of golf at the Course that will host the 2013 U.S. Open. A great rehearsal dinner: where many people, including me, gave toasts. Songs were song, rhymes were heard and I made a fool out of myself during the speech. (But in a good way..). The dancing at the wedding was unmatched. As a gigantic circle kept its form for most of the evening. Many times I was in the middle dancing like a Ostrich having an epileptic seizure.

The wedding evening was long. I bet it was fun..

Sunday: Goodbyes were said and I continued on my journey west. I got lost two minutes after leaving the hotel. (A great sign to be sure). 5 hours later, I made it to Pittsburg. Due to the 3 nights of booze and late nights, I was an unmitigated zombie when I arrived, but I drank some caffeine and had a great time with another Aunt and Uncle pairing in Pittsburg. They had just returned from the Steelers game, which was fitting, because I felt like a football game was going on in my skull in the form of a headache.

I pushed off early for Chicago to pick up my friend.

Something that never fails to make a person laugh boisterously can be obtained in the following paragraph. My cousin was actually moving from San Francisco to New York at the same time I was moving west, and was making the reverse drive I was. Somehow, we both figured out we were in Ohio driving towards each other, and in the general vicinity of Toledo. What happened next is probably one of the more inadvertently entertaining things I can think of.. We were both in a hurry, and stopping on the highway to chat didn't make sense. Via cellphone, we realized we were about to pass each other, so in bumlick, Ohio, we described our cars/rooftop carriers and prepared to wave at one another going 80 MPH in opposite directions. It was awesome. So funny. I recommend it. Maybe even plan an entire trip with another car, just for this purpose..

8 hours later I made it to Chicago. It was raining. But for "some" reason, my friend Keith and I walked around the city in the rain for 45 minutes. Which brings me to my next point, they need to have more evenly dispersed beer stores in Chicago.

next post. Chi-town WEST

Getting reacquainted with Boston and making a wage

It is amazing what a few days of manual labor will do to convince you to get up off of your ass and go get a job.