The U.S. is surprisingly time consuming to drive across

I haven't posted a blog in a while, and this is very upsetting to me. Partially because it demonstrates that my work ethic has deteriorated, but mostly because it drives home the fact that I am no longer traveling and normal day to day activities do not provide funny story fodder.

But! Some things have changed in the last month. For instance, I now use an electric tooth brush. My teeth feel dentist clean two times a day, without the awkward small chat or the dentist's chronic halitosis.. (ps. shouldn't dentists have impeccably smelling breath?). I have also moved to San Francisco, CA. And the event that preludes any large scale relocation is best described as a ROAD TRIP!!!

(I will hold off on talking about the person who smashed my car window and stole my computer within 15 hours of arriving to San Francisco until a later post.)

My Coast to Coast drive started in Maine and included stops at any and every possible family members or friends place so not to have to pay money for lodging/food/survival. I strapped on my rooftop carrier and overloaded my underperforming '98 VW Passat Wagon (which I had just pumped $1,200 into so it would pass inspection.. a very unarousing turn of events for this guy).

My first stop was Cambridge, Mass, where I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle. This was not a novel stop off point, as I had freeloaded at their place for a better part of the last 2 months. I am forever grateful to them and I owe them no less than 14 boxes of Crunchy Raisin Bran Cereal. From there I pushed on to Philadelphia, PA for my friends wedding, but not before coordinating a lovely lunch with another Aunt of mine in Palisades, New York along the way. I showed up to the country club looking like the Blue Jean wearing vagabond I was/am, and was urged to put on some Khaki pants or else our lunch would have to take place elsewhere. Lucky for me, everything I own was in my car, so I threw on a pair of tan Khakis that had become surprisingly strapping since the last time I wore them several years ago.

Lunch was great, and after saying goodbye to Joan, I pushed on to Philadelphia and checked into the hotel for the wedding reception. The next 72 hours of my life were a discernable haze, but I can vouch for the fact that my friends DID get married.

Highlights include: Asking one of the bride's uncles if he was her Grandfather.. (that didn't go over well). A round of golf at the Course that will host the 2013 U.S. Open. A great rehearsal dinner: where many people, including me, gave toasts. Songs were song, rhymes were heard and I made a fool out of myself during the speech. (But in a good way..). The dancing at the wedding was unmatched. As a gigantic circle kept its form for most of the evening. Many times I was in the middle dancing like a Ostrich having an epileptic seizure.

The wedding evening was long. I bet it was fun..

Sunday: Goodbyes were said and I continued on my journey west. I got lost two minutes after leaving the hotel. (A great sign to be sure). 5 hours later, I made it to Pittsburg. Due to the 3 nights of booze and late nights, I was an unmitigated zombie when I arrived, but I drank some caffeine and had a great time with another Aunt and Uncle pairing in Pittsburg. They had just returned from the Steelers game, which was fitting, because I felt like a football game was going on in my skull in the form of a headache.

I pushed off early for Chicago to pick up my friend.

Something that never fails to make a person laugh boisterously can be obtained in the following paragraph. My cousin was actually moving from San Francisco to New York at the same time I was moving west, and was making the reverse drive I was. Somehow, we both figured out we were in Ohio driving towards each other, and in the general vicinity of Toledo. What happened next is probably one of the more inadvertently entertaining things I can think of.. We were both in a hurry, and stopping on the highway to chat didn't make sense. Via cellphone, we realized we were about to pass each other, so in bumlick, Ohio, we described our cars/rooftop carriers and prepared to wave at one another going 80 MPH in opposite directions. It was awesome. So funny. I recommend it. Maybe even plan an entire trip with another car, just for this purpose..

8 hours later I made it to Chicago. It was raining. But for "some" reason, my friend Keith and I walked around the city in the rain for 45 minutes. Which brings me to my next point, they need to have more evenly dispersed beer stores in Chicago.

next post. Chi-town WEST