Read like butterfly, Sting like a Spelling Bee

What ever happened to Mega Speed Reading??

Remeber that chubby guy, Kevin Trudeau, in infomercials who scanned pages with his hand at a healthy clip (maybe 5 seconds a page) and then he would take a cognition test and score in the 95th percentile??

My first question is; 95th percentile of what?? And who else was taking this test?

Or do you remember the kid on the same infomercial who finished reading a book (with his father creepily hanging over his shoulder watching him read), and when he closes the book, he pumps his fist in delight?? Wonder what that kid is doing now?

I read at what clinical physicians call "a slow pace". Always have. So to remedy the situation back in High School, I repeatedly asked my parents to buy the Mega Speed Reading system so I could unlock the speed reading wizard inside me. But they never budged. I used to put them on guilt trips that they didn't love me and they wanted me to fail out of school and become a subway sandwich artist. (Every parents dream, right?). But still they didn't succumb to my requests.

Well, my parents were right after all. After a intensively diligent 4-second Google search, the top page came back reading:

INFOMERCIAL SCAMS.COM - MEGA SPEED READING

This was followed by minutes of sorrowful weeping, and the unnecessary throwing of objects around my room. I was duped.

But have no fear, because I just purchased Evelyn Wood's "7 days until you read like a nascar racer" program, which is a steal at $199.95.