Ikea: Where the world goes for cheap crap.

Why does everything "Swedish" have to be so damn good??? Seriously; Volvos, Meatballs, Supermodels, Fish (the red ones are the best), tempurpedic sleep systems... And now I have to begrudgingly admit; Ikea. I had heard many things about Ikea, but I had never been to this monstrosity of a store before. So, from my pre-conceived notions I knew that Ikea had cornered the market on cheap, poor quality furniture for college students and poor young professionals. And after my first visit, I don't think I was off by much. There is no other way to describe Ikea's products as inexpensive, flimsy, not assembled, breakable, not all together unattractive, not real wood, yet useful and a good substitute until you can afford real furnishing or buy a house. I feel as though Ikea is the "My First Sony" of home decor. Just as those red electronic consumer products provided children a conduit to real/adult walkmans, tape recorders and portable singing machines, Ikea is the diaper training to furniture shopping (only without the urination). Speaking of, my trip to Ikea started with a mad sprint to the bathroom to take a piss. Upon saddling up to the Urinal, unzipping, dislodging and starting the flow, I was immediately startled (and dismayed) by the fact that the urinal surface was angled so that my pee splattered directly off the porcelain and back onto my pants. Guys- you know what I'm talking about. Girls- imagine you're 12 inches away from a brick wall and you pull the trigger of a super-soaker 3000x.. You're gonna get wet. Here is a timeline of my trip to Ikea that I only wanted to take 15 minutes: 7:04PM- Enter. 7:05PM- Inadvertently pee on self. 7:07PM- Get lost. 7:10PM- Realize they have a path with signs directing you around the show room. I follow the yellow brick road. 7:12PM- Check out rugs. Unbuyable. 7:20PM- Pick out Curtain Rods. (Have I mentioned how extreme of a life I lead?) 7:30PM- Start looking at bureaus and bedside tables. (The edge is what I live on) 8:15PM- Still looking, I stumble across a food court in the store. I order the swedish meatball dinner & Mac 'n Cheese. 8:45PM- Relish in the fact that I just ate 15 meatballs for $3. 8:50PM- Return to show room. Pick out the damn matching bureau and nightstand. 8:51PM- Realize I have to go to the warehouse on the other side of the world to pick up my items. I do this. 9:15PM- Check out. load it into my car and drive home. 9:45PM- Assembly is quickly halted since I only picked up 2 of the 3 boxes I was supposed to pick up. The next few weeks consist of: me losing the receipt in a move, them telling me I can't get the other box without the receipt, me asking them what do they expect me to do with half of an inexpensive, flimsy, not assembled, breakable, not all together unattractive, not real wood, yet useful bureau, them telling me I'm an idiot, me telling them to fuck off, them going back and recreating my receipt, me going to customer service, dealing with some choice invalids at returns, and after 1.5 hours of waiting get my piece of shit bureau. Again, I love swedish meatballs.