2-day long bus trip from Bolivia to Buenos Aires, Argentina. Flat tires, people peeing/pooping themselves and vomiting are prominently involved.

Uyuni, Bolivia: Friday, June 16th
4:50AM: Wake up to catch 5:30 Bus
5:20AM: See bus pulling out, so I chase after it and bang on the door. Driver shakes his head at me, indicating that it wasn't my bus and I should stop banging on his door immediately.
5:30AM: My "bus" is a 8-person Toyota Land Cruiser.
5:32AM: I find that I have been assigned "asiento dos" (seat 2) which means I am sitting shotgun. This is pleasing to me. Especially since the other people in the back are sitting on benches facing each other.
5:35AM: I open the door to sit down in asiento 2, only to hear "Uno Mas Amigo" (One more Friend). One more what?? I think..
5:36AM: Stocky Bolivian with mild case of halitosis jumps in front of me and plops down in my seat. We are sharing the front seat.. He brought a blanket, it was 10 degrees (f) out. He is my immediate friend.
5:40AM: We leave pavement and hit the washboard dirt road (this is a common theme until Argentina). I see stocky Bolivian do the cross on his chest.. why? I wonder (answer: Bolivian buses are simply not safe).
5:45AM: I am freezing cold and squished up against the freezing cold door. There are 14 people in the Toyota, and the driver has the window down with his head out due to the unseethroughable windshield.
6:15AM: One hour away from sun rise, we get a flat tire. I provide my headlamp to help fix the tire. It comes back with head lice.
The Next Hour: I go from freezing to just really cold. (the heat in the 4x4 hasn't worked since the mid-80's)
7:00AM: We catch up to another 4x4 that won't let us pass. We try anyway.
7:15AM: Large sack of potatoes (or walnuts) fall from the roof of the other 4x4 (we'll call the other 4x4 Bob). Since we are nice, we stop and pick it up. Since I was sitting up front, it was put on my lap. The potatoes (or walnuts) are cold like a dead baby penguin.
7:15-8:15AM: Honking, we try catching up to Bob to get his attention and give him his nuts back. Bob thinks we're trying to pass, so he twarts our attempts by swerving into us. Bob sucks.
8:15AM: the replacement tire blows. We stop at a random mining town where we give Bob (who had stopped) his sack of nuts back. We have a 2 hour wait for a new car to arrive (because they have no more spare tires). I go to a restaurant and watch the 1st half of the Argentina vs. Serbia Montenegro soccer game. It is 3-0 at half time. I am down o-2 versus the travel gods.

10:30AM: New 4x4 arrives and we load into the Toyota. I once again have shotgun "to myself".
Until we start moving and someone (not the stocky Bolivian from before) pounds on the passenger side door and hops in pushing me to the non-existent middle seat with no cushioning, a 90 degree back rest and the clutch in my crotch.
10:30AM-12:30PM: Misery. My face is 3 inches away from the rear view mirror.
12:35PM: I ask the guy sitting shotgun with me; "podemos cambiar asientos a la uno??" (Can we change seats at 1pm).
12:35PM: "No" responds Bolivian, shaking his finger.
12:36-1:00PM: I stare at him cursing him under my breath. ps. my comfort level is at an all time low.

1:00PM: Stop for lunch at a mostly abandoned village where some ladies are cooking nearly dead animals on their grills in front of their mud houses. I eat chicken. It tastes dead.
1:35PM: Get back on road. The guy sitting shot gun with me tries to make amends by saying that there are only 30 minutes left and that I should take a picture of the rock formation up ahead. The rock formation was cool, so i took my camera out and snapped a picture. The remainder of the Toyota constituency starts laughing at me for taking a picture. bastards. My ass kills from sitting on the wood plank for 3 hours.
2:00PM: Arrive in TUPIZA, BOLIVIA and wait for 2:30PM bus to VILLAZON, BOLIVIA on the Argentine/Bolivia border. I am assigned no seat, which means I am standing for the 2 hour bus ride..

2:57PM: My water bottle is on the floor, and I see a water-like substance collecting on the floor beneath my water bottle. I think someone has spilled their drink so I continue handling my water bottle like normal. I find out later it was pee from an 8 year old boy.
3:15PM: The 8-year old boy's 2-year old brother (who stared at me for a better part of 2 hours) shits his diaper. The mom changed him on seat. It smell like certifiable baby doodie. (He was probably staring at me when dumping in him pants).
3:15-4:30PM: I neither pee nor poop my pants.
4:45PM: Get to the Villazon and walk across the border to Argentina. It was a surprisingly easy border crossing. I wonder why... Also, I see pavement for the first time in approximately 12 hours).

5:00PM: I FINALLY FIND AN ATM, pay back the people I am traveling with, eat stale bread and check email while waiting for the 7PM bus, which gets me into SALTA, ARG at 2AM.. supposedly.

8PM: After falling asleep relatively quickly, I wake up to find the bus stopped and surrounded by Argentine National Guardsmen. We all get off, collect our luggage and get searched. This takes 2 hours. No drugs were found.
10PM: Get back on bus, we continue on and I pass out.
12AM: Wake up to Argentine National Guardsman (now on the bus) checking everyones' passport and questioning suspicious passengers.
12:15AM: I give my passport to the officer, and he forcefully asks me what I am doing, where I am coming from and where I am going. I tell him I am writing for a travel website (matadortravel.com), I am coming from Bolivia, and I am going to Buenos Aires (40 hours of bus rides) for 2 days. Then I am going to Santiago, Chile (20 hours of bus rides) for 3 days, and then I am going to Machu Picchu, Peru (40 hours of bus rides). The officer, knowing that Uyuni, Bolivia was only 10 hours of bus rides away from Machu Picchu, gave me the most skeptical look I have ever seen, and probably thought that he had located the drug smuggling culprit. He called his officer buddy over and told him my travel route. A laugh was heard. (It's not like I DIDN'T know my travel route was unreasonable, but I was already committed). After a few more minutes of questioning (in spanish), they got tired of my miserable grammar and vocab and gave up, allowing me to go back to sleep.

1-4AM: In and out of sleep. Get to Salta at 4AM and check into a hostel. I am put in a room with 7 others. The hostel worker opens the door to the room and turns on the light, opening up a chorus of "what are you doing", "turn the light off", "fuck you" from the seven inhabitants, who now know me as "that guy who came in at 4AM and turned on all the lights, and who sucks".

6AM: There is a professional snorer below me on the bunk bed. Finally fall asleep.

11AM: Wake up and prepare for my 20 hour bus ride to Buenos Aires.

2PM: Get on bus. I have a seat that turns into a bed. It is more comfortable than my bed at home. Me and my two Norwegian buddies on the bus are giddy like 13 year old girls accidentally running into a boyband member at a regional mall.

6pm: "White Chicks" is the chosen movie for the 4th bus ride in the last 1.5 months for me. In case you can't tell from the title, the film is a magnificant atrocity, which gets worse with each viewing.
9PM-3AM: Sleep. Helped by a sleeping pill given to me by a friend.
3AM: Wake up feeling terrible.
3AM-7AM: Awake
7AM: Start Puking. Possibly from the sleeping pill.
8AM: Arrive to Buenos Aires, Sunday, June 18th. Puke aggressively for about 5 minutes near the taxi stand. Once I am done, I start walking towards one of the taxis. Having seen my projectile display, the driver speeds off. I eventually catch a cab to my friends apartment, where I spent the rest of the day on the couch. I moved approximately 22 feet all day. I feel much better today.

Moral of the story: The trip from Bolivia to BA is like taking the D.C. Metro system, just without the comfort, speed and general ease. ps. I get on a 20 hour bus tomorrow.